By Maggie Maris – Author My Journal & Rogier van Kralingen – Writer The Whole Story
Every year around Christmas, we basically fall into two categories: those who love it and those who don’t. The misunderstanding is huge between those who cheerfully sing Christmas carols and those sitting dejected at the dinner table. At some point someone will say: " Christmas is fun, right? Why aren't you more cheerful?" and the mood will sour quickly after that. So, this Christmas story is written specifically to bring these two groups closer together, to read at the table when you needed. With nothing but love, of course.
In the Christmas period, things calm down and fall silent. And that means we have time to reflect. When things in your life are going well, you’ll be all right reflecting. Yet if there are things in your life that make you less cheerful, the silence means we can’t avoid those feelings any more. It always hits extra hard around Christmas and New Year’s. What happens is that the Christmas decorations, songs, and cheerfulness will feel 'artificial'. This fairy tale stuff seems to be working for others, but not for you when you’re dealing with stuff.
If you’re the cheerful type around Christmas, chances are high that you’ll understand the gloominess on a rational level, yet not on an emotional one. You don’t actually feel the same, so you don’t relate, at least not on a gut level. For you, this quieter period is actually quite nice. You make plans with friends and family, have long dinners, catch a cozy Christmas movie, take nice walks, secretly sip on some liquor, maybe go to church. And everyone you meet calls out 'Merry Christmas' while the lights twinkle and jingle bells sound. Nothing fake about it. For you, it's a great celebration, full of beautiful connections.
And then here we are, as supposedly loved ones together, but feeling totally apart. You see, we humans are social animals who adopt and mimic each other's emotions because when we do, we feel connected. Usually that goes well. But at Christmas, when everything falls silent and our differences are made clear, we can lose the connection. We don't make contact because we don't really feel each other's emotions. And we even get into arguments that boil down to stuff like: "Stop with that fake cheerfulness" versus "Stop with that endless gloominess".
So, how do we solve this disconnect?The answer is: it’s all about the story you tell yourself… and whether that is the true, whole story.
When you tell yourself Christmas is the best time of year, you’re not really telling the truth to yourself. It’s freakin’ dark and cold outside for us Northern Hemisphere dwellers, and for many people dealing with life’s harsh circumstances, it’s a pretty bad moment. Yet, if you tell yourself that Christmas is the worst, the story you tell yourself is also not truthful. It is still a period where the reflection on ourselves may be tough, but also allows for healing, often with loved ones around. In other words: ask yourself if you’re telling yourself the whole story, how it really is, or just the one you want it to be.
And when that doesn’t help, and you still have trouble connecting, why not take a look at the person at your table who feels different than you. They are living proof that your current emotions are not the only emotions you can have at this time of year, you emotion-mimicking-animal you. Because maybe the point of Christmas isn’t about feeling happy or gloomy. Maybe it’s about connecting with others, wherever they may be in their journey.
And remember, merry, gloomy, or somewhere in between, you are allowed to feel what you feel and just be yourself. Always.
So here’s to a merry, and a gloomy, Christmas to you both.
Maggie Maris provides training in the areas of self-care, mental strength, and happiness, based on her own years-long journey out of depression, which she successfully overcame while writing her highly practical and insightful self-help book My Journal.
Rogier van Kralingen is an award-winning writer and musician who explores the darker sides of our soul in all his work, such as in Restart, a self-help book on burnout recovery, and his latest practical book The Whole Story – The Ultimate Guide to Storytelling.
